High Conflict Co-Parenting Divorce Course: What is your Co-Parenting Status?

Posted by: Dr. Justin D'Arienzo, Psy.D., ABPP

If you are looking at High Conflict Co-Parenting Courses options, the odds are that things are not so great with your fellow co-parent. Here are some questions to ponder before we begin this section.

Imagine Life Without This Conflict. How Would Life Be?

1. What has been your experience, your former partner’s experience, and your child’s experience of the high conflict that surrounds you?
2. What would be the benefits of reducing this conflict for you, the other parent, and the children?
3. Who will it be that initiates this important change?
4. Imagine a life without conflict with your former partner. What would that life be like?

Now let’s imagine a life of no conflict with your former partner. What would that life be like? Compare that image of zero to minimal conflict to the conflict that you have experienced with your former partner. We know that these situations take a toll on everyone involved. This might include both of you, your children, the in-laws, extended family members, pets, etc.

Let’s discuss typical experiences for parents that find themselves in this high-conflict dynamic.

Scenario 1: Spending a lot of time and energy trying to manage conflict, take care of children, etc., they also hear from their children and others in their community that they are ‘bad’ or ‘defective’ based on information shared from the other parent.

Scenario 2: They might be working hard to minimize conflict without any effect. Some parents are so wounded, there is nothing you can do to minimize their problematic behavior. Thus, you must have to have a long view.

Scenario 3: Repeating the Same Arguments Time and Time. Unresolved conflict gets recast in the co-parenting relationship over and over again.

Scenario 4: Pursuing Court Action. Just imagine how much money gets spent when two former spouses have to take court action.

Scenario 5: The Conflict is Left Unresolved. This is an endless cycle that continues to go around.

Reflect upon your children’s experience (or other children) when their parents have a high-conflict relationship. Many parents report running into the same level of difficulty in these situations. However, each parent will blame the other for these issues.

Ongoing Conflict: children will start to feel unsafe and begin developing mental health disorders, like anxiety, depression, a picking disorder, eating disorder, etc.

High-Energy Conflict: There is so much energy involved in the conflict. The energy needed to manage conflict makes children’s lives more complicated.

Children Look for Comfort Outside of Home. Children might look for comfort and stability in other things outside of the home. This might include relationships, drugs, alcohol, etc.

Children Create Life Outside of Home. Home should be a place of comfort and safety. Children will start to create a life for themselves outside of their home.

Children Redirect Energy in School. This energy could be redirected into schoolwork or becoming a top-performing athlete. A lot of children from high-conflict homes turn into overachievers.

Exercise 

1. What type of life do you want for your children? What are your goals and dreams for them?
2. Is there anything that stands in the way of your children attaining what you want for them?
3. How might your children be affected by conflict with your former partner or their family?
4. Identify three or more positive outcomes that would happen for your children if there was less conflict.
5. Identify three or more positive outcomes that would happen for you if there was less conflict.
6. Imagine three to five years from now that your child tells a close friend what you did to help them through the separation or divorce. What would you like them to say about you and your behavior?